Tuesday, August 22, 2006

A 12 Step Program for Liberals

This joke was sent to me by an ever so witty acquaintance. Since I scored slightly to the left of Ghandi and the Dhali Lama on the political compass, he thought I could use a little help. Yes, I know this is a joke, but I'd like to add my rebuttal nonetheless.

Overcoming Liberalism - A 12 Step Program

Step 1: Admitting that you're a liberal
This is the first step for every liberal on the way to recovery. It is important to understand that you're not "progressive," "moderate," or "enlightened." You're a liberal, and you need to be honest with yourself about that fact.

Fair enough. I'm a liberal. But now you must stop referring to yourself as 'saved', 'compassionate', 'neoconservative', or 'libertarian'.

Step 2: Pledge to support your beliefs with facts
Realize that truth is more important than moral superiority and is the only way to come over to reality. You must research beyond propaganda from the Sierra Club, Hillary Clinton, and CNN (the Communist News Network) to understand things as they really exist in the world. You can no longer argue based on "feelings" or emotion. You will actually need to back up your arguments with real information. This is a difficult step, because it means you can't be lazy any more.

You must do the same to have any kind of legitimate discussion. Likewise, you must research beyond the propaganda of Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, the Washington Times, and Fox News (Faux News). Also, please stop screaming about the liberal media. Most mainstream newspapers and television programs have a more conservative bend.

Step 3: Love America
This may be the most difficult step for those of you who are hippies and peaceniks. Admitting that the country you hate actually stands as a beacon to defend freedom throughout the world can make some of you physically ill. You might want to make a visit to a military cemetery to better understand that these men and women gave their lives so that you could spew hatred. Otherwise, you would currently be living in a police state that would never let you wear that nasty patchouli oil, let alone speak out against your government.

We do love America. That's why we scream so loudly when we see what has become of her. You should also meditate on the great sacrifices our fallen soldiers have given for us.

Step 4: Take a college level economics class
I've always defined a Socialist as someone who's never taken an economics class. Most Socialists I've spoken with would have a hard time balancing their checkbooks, let alone explaining the simple concept of supply-and-demand. It's time to flush your complete ignorance of basic economics down the toilet and understand how the world actually functions. This concept will be very important for the next steps that involve communism, facts about corporations, and the inefficiencies of government.

Likewise some good biology, sociology, and ethics classes might shed some light on many of the problems our nation is faced with.

Step 5: Say "no" to Communism and Socialism
While this concept is obvious to most of the free world, it is an important step in your recovery process. If you have difficulty with this step, spend a week living and working in Cuba.

Spend some time at homeless shelters, youth centers, community health clinics, and other various community outreach projects designed to help people at the bottom of the economic ladder. While communism may not be a great strategy for whole governments, it is a wonderful concept and works great at a community level. Also, try to get over your phobia of the word 'socialism'.

Step 6: Corporations are not evil
If you're reading this article online or in an e-mail, it's thanks to corporations. If you get some kind of paycheck, you can thank corporations. If you work for a non-profit or the government, you still have to thank corporations. The non-profit sector and the government wouldn't have any money to pay you without corporations. It is also important that you understand that making a profit doesn't equate to "greed" or exploitation. Capitalism has created the greatest society in our world's history. Even communist countries need corporations to survive, so enjoy a nice, hot cup of reality.

Likewise, organizations such as labor unions, the Sierra Club, National Organization of Women, Planned Parenthood, Amnesty International, and the ACLU are also not the downfall of America. A lot of good comes from 'liberal organizations'.

Step 7: The government is inefficient
If you are one of those liberals who believe the government should tax us more in order to take care of society, you need to pay special attention to this step. You need to realize that government bureaucracy will waste most of your tax dollars, while the private sector will put your money to much better use. Even most Democrat politicians understand this to some degree, which is why Hillary's socialist health care proposal was voted down by a majority of both Democrats and Republicans. Go to your local post office or call the IRS to ask a tax question if you need a reminder about government inefficiency.

The US remains the only industrialized nation without national healthcare. The Canadian healthcare plan may have its problems, but handles most routine care and procedures quite well. You must stop and think that there is a problem somewhere when it is less expensive to reimport American pharmaceuticals, as opposed to just buying them here to begin with. Since you've taken a college level economics class, you understand that the problem with privatizing healthcare is that it is highly inelasatic. People will pay any amount when their lives are on the line. When someone is suffering from a heart attack, he is not going to haggle over the price of care.

Step 8: The earth is not your "mother," and she's not dying
The time has now come to stop your donations to Greenpeace, the Sierra Club, and every other EnviroNazi organization to which you belong. Face the reality that the earth, society, and our environment are better off today than ever in recorded history and that they are continuing to improve. I realize that many of you tree huggers will have a very difficult time letting go of the Douglas Fir on this one. I would suggest reading The Skeptical Environmentalist by Bjorn Lomborg. Mr. Lomborg is a former member of Greenpeace and is currently a statistics professor at a university in Denmark. He set out to prove the world was in bad shape and ended up surprising himself by proving the exact opposite.

We absolutely cannot give up on protecting the enviroment. Given the problems of smog, water pollution, destruction of large portions of rain forests, destructions of wet lands, and global warming (it's very hard to argue that global warming does not exist) I would say we have a very real enviromental crisis on our hands.

Step 9: Stop smoking the wacky tobaccy
Okay, some of you might need to enter another 12-step program to complete this step. Marijuana is distorting your sense of reality, and you need to stop using it. Besides, you'll save a fortune on snacks.

OK Rush, but only if you stop popping the pain killers. Snark asisde, most liberals are not dancing with Mary Jane, and not with the frequency that you would expect. In fact, the only way to form a well thought, coersive argument is to do so while sober.

Step 10: Eat a hamburger
If God didn't intend for us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat. You can put your sprouts and tofu on the hamburger, but get some meat into you. You'll look and feel better than you ever imagined. You can always remind yourself that Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian to get you through this step.

OK, but you should eat your vegetables. They're good for you and it will make your mom happy.

Step 11: Stop re-writing political history
It's now time to admit that Bill Clinton is a lying-cheating-sexist racist rapist jackass, Hillary Clinton is one of the worst role models for women in this country, Al Gore really did lose the 2000 election by every vote tabulation you attempt, Ronald Reagan ended the Cold War and didn't create the homeless problem, John McCain is not a typical Republican, and Jimmy Carter is a nice man but has one of the worst presidential records of anyone in history.

Ronald Reagan is not the saint you have cannonized him to be, and George W. Bush has been a disaster throughout his presidency, from his failure to find a 6 foot tall Arab on dialysis, to his handling of Katrina, to lies about his intent with Iraq, to his anti-science policies, to his groping the German chancellor at an international summit. Here's a hint - Don't vote for someone because you can see yourself sitting down and having a beer with him. I don't want my president to be someone I can have a drink with, I want my president to be someone who is knowledgable, can direct policy, and lead America in a positive direction.

Step 12: Be a missionary
Once you have completed the previous steps to overcoming liberalism, it's time for you to share this awakening with others who are not as fortunate. Go out amongst the liberal sheep and spread the good word of your freedom from the chains of ignorance that once bound you. Congratulations, and welcome to reality.

Same to you.

1 comment:

BlueMule said...

Ok, it's been a while since I've visited your blog because the passing of Chupa depressed me everytime I logged on.

But, I've got to say - nice one, girl. You rock. All arguments were nicely made.

This coming, of course, from a MODERATE liberal. I guess I'm not ready for step one yet.